


Coming Home

by thinkpink20



Category: The OC
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-28
Updated: 2012-02-28
Packaged: 2017-10-31 21:20:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/348473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thinkpink20/pseuds/thinkpink20
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post high school.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coming Home

The drive back to Newport makes Seth sleepy. The snow is falling hard as he passes through Colorado and he watches as it hits the window screen then spreads out until it is nothing but water. The road before him has huge white boarders and his cd player makes it through at least four albums before he hits the sun of California.

It’s like a different world, the sun is shining and glinting off the shiny surface of the hood of the Range Rover so that Seth has to squint. The people get more plastic as he makes his way nearer to the coast and when he hits the final freeway to home he spots at least five nose jobs in the cars that whiz by.

Everywhere is pretty quiet when he pulls the car into the driveway. He has bags to carry in but he ignores them in favour of a drink and something to eat. He hopes his mom has good cereal in the cupboards and contemplates the reality of those bran sticks she eats which taste only slightly better than the cardboard box they come in. Seth knows this for a fact because Ryan challenged him to prove it once. It wasn’t pretty.

Ryan’s car is already there, sitting modestly on the colourful blocks of the driveway. Sandy’s car is parked behind it so he must have been home a while. Seth feels immediately guilty for the extra week he took to get here.

The door opens easy – Seth always has nightmares that one day he’ll get back and the locks will be changed. It’s irrational but he still is about most things, after all these years. He thought people changed, but they don’t – that’s what time has taught him. You can make adjustments to your personality but you can’t ever change the core of you, and he’s sick of trying now.

His shoes echo in the hallway, sneaker clad feet making little sticking noises on the polished marble. Out in the kitchen he can he voices, occasional laughter and for a moment he just stands there and listens. It’s always the strangest feeling, coming home. He feels like a visitor, intruding.

Finally Seth makes his way down the few steps and pads through the living room. He stands in the archway of the kitchen and has to dumb his car keys on the work surface before they turn around and spot him. They’re all engrossed in something that’s on the table.

“Sweetie!” 

Kirsten is grinning from ear to ear and Seth’s heart feels warm as she rushes to embrace him. She still smells like she did when he was a boy, face nestled into her hair. He still misses this, tight arms around his shoulders.

“How was the drive, son?” Sandy asks before also hugging him. He’s smiling too, and Seth notices the eyebrow growth briefly, storing it for comedy value later.

“Good. The roads were…..good.”

Seth feels a prickle as he pulls away from his dad and looks up.

Only Ryan left.

This, this is the hardest thing about coming home.

“Hey, man.”

Ryan grabs his hand and pulls him into a half hug, patting him on the back. Seth struggles to speak.

“Hey.”

“We weren’t expecting you until later,” Kirsten says, seemingly oblivious to the tension. Sometimes Seth thinks he’s the only one who knows about the tension, and he wonders what that means.

“Ah, I made good time on the freeway.”

They disperse into the room and Seth finds himself aware of where Ryan is, moving over to the table, picking up a cup, taking it to the sink. When he was 17, Seth programmed himself into this habit and he never kicked it. No matter how many things shift between them, this one never does.

After that Seth runs on auto pilot - making small talk about the journey home, fixing himself something to eat. He knows that soon he will go out to the car to get his stuff and that Ryan will follow to help him because he’s still not good with the heavy lifting. He knows that when this happens, he won’t know what to say and that he’ll probably start rambling about something stupid to cover the silence. He knows that Ryan will be grateful for that, it will show on his face. It always does. 

Seth has learnt that it only takes one conversation to make it alright. Or at least one faked conversation. Once you get past that barrier of discomfort its okay because everything shifts onto this other level of reality, where discomfort becomes part of your skin. He gets this conversation when he accidentally bumps into Ryan outside the bathroom and they shift on their feet for a moment, both staring at the ground.

“So how are you?” Seth finally asks. He hates silence.

“Good. You?”

“Yeah, great.”

He wonders how true that is. It was true this morning, but now its nearly night time and that seems weeks ago.

“Good. I mean…..good.”

“Yeah, it is,” Seth nods. “So, how’s Catherine?”

Because it has to be said and he can’t stand the waiting for it to be mentioned. For a second Ryan looks unsure, like Seth’s just asked him what underpants he’s wearing, said something completely personal in polite company and then his face changes to relief.

“She’s good. She says hello.”

Seth nods. That’s great. He says hello too and asks if Ryan’s still as mind-blowing in bed.

“Great. She’s coming up some time, right?”

“Yeah,” Ryan smiles, “She’ll be here next week.”

Seth wonders if he can plead with Summer and go stay with her but her father still dislikes him after that first meeting in the restaurant. He thinks Seth’s weird and sometimes Seth agrees with him.

“Awesome.”

He’s moved away and is on the first step down the stairs when Ryan speaks again.

“What about Ian? You two still together?”

“Yeah, he’s – ah – he’s coming down next week too.”

He’s not, but he will be now. It will probably involve a lot of begging and phone sex to get Ian to fly from New York to Newport but Seth doesn’t think before he speaks and it often gets him in trouble.

“Good,” Ryan nods. He looks like he means it but then there is that uncomfortable ‘no one is speaking yet we’re still standing here’ moment and Seth faces the fact it will possibly never be okay between them.

“Right, well I’ll……go downstairs.”

“Right,” Ryan says, and Seth slinks off.

He’s a man who hardly ever stops speaking but for some reason, when he’s with Ryan, he ends up never saying what he means to.

Three days go by and things settle into a routine that Seth can call normal, if he looks at it sideways and takes into consideration a million and one ways it could be worse. He spends most of his time with Summer because though he’s grown away from his parents and he and Ryan have their past to keep them apart, Summer has stayed the same. She still says ditzy things to cover the fact she’s really quite smart, she still drags him around shoes stores and she still says, ‘Cohen? Shut up’ when he talks for too long. He finds it refreshing.

Seth walks into the kitchen on Friday night to find his mother drinking a glass of wine and flipping through the latest copy of Rivera whilst his father sorts out some juvenile detention case on the phone.

“Ian is visiting in a few days,” he announces, and hopes to avoid the fallout but his mother pulls him back.

“Well that’s great, sweetie! Should I make up the spare bed?”

Seth looks at her sideways and immediately wonders where Catherine will be sleeping.

“Ah, no. Don’t bother. He’ll…..he’ll stay with me.”

“Who’ll stay with you?” Sandy asks, finishing up his call.

It’s at this second that Ryan walks in, hair messy and damp from the shower.

“Oh, Seth’s boyfriend Ian is coming to stay with us for the week,” Kirsten says casually, taking her glass to the sink. 

It’s not like they don’t know, it’s not like they’ll be shocked but Seth finds he himself is.

He’s sleeping with the guy and he finds it shocking to hear it out loud. Suddenly he wishes Ryan weren’t in the room, like he’s trying to keep it from him, though he already knows too.

“Ah right, Ian, huh? He’s the guy with the shaved head and the muscles, right?”

“Sandy!” Kirsten admonishes, and Seth feels all of twelve again. Ryan is looking in the fridge and Seth can’t see his face but he suspects he is laughing.

“What, honey? It’s true.”

“You make him sound like some sort of thug. He’s a very nice young man.”

Now Seth is blushing that is mom is calling his boyfriend a nice young man and Ryan still has his head in the fridge. Seth wants to join him.

“I didn’t mean – “

“Okay, guys! Leaving now!” 

When he is back up in his bedroom Seth sits down on the bed and stares at his hands. He wants to be back at college in his shared house where none of this matters. He misses the house with the doors that need oiling and the window downstairs that is cracked in the corner and lets in rain in winter. Thing is, that’s not his home anymore, it wasn’t his home from the second he threw his mortar board in the air. Now this is his home and he has to live with the fact it’s full of memories he was trying to forget. 

Seth tells himself things will be better when Ian gets there, it will be more like college but it isn’t. They get to complain about how crappy being at home is together but Ian doesn’t have to live with his ex boyfriend and Seth can’t complain about that because he wants to avoid reminding Ian just how much Ryan means to him.

Meant to him.

“Your mom was asking me if I’m moving here,” Ian laughs one day as they walk along the pier. Well, he walks, Seth rides his skateboard.

“She’ll be arranging one of those special love declaration ceremonies soon,” Seth grins, taking his eyes off the ground to catch Ian checking him out. He still gets butterflies over that sometimes.

Ian laughs but then it all goes very quiet.

“So, um, am I?” he eventually asks, biting into a Balboa bar and moaning at the taste.

“Are you what, man?”

“Moving here?”

They’re at the end of the pier before Seth jumps off his skateboard and looks up at Ian, shielding his eyes from the sun.

“I don’t know. Are you? I mean…..were you waiting for me to like, ask, or something?”

Ian just grins at Seth in that way he does, the way that made Seth like him in the first place and then he leans over and kisses Seth full on the mouth.

In Newport.

On the pier.

And Seth grabs the back of his neck to stop him getting away.

“It would mean us living together,” Ian explains.

“Sure,” Seth nods, because he can’t live with Ryan any longer. It’s like physical torture, especially with the arrival of sweet-as-pie Catherine. People aren’t humanly allowed to be that nice.

“Great,” Ian smiles. Seth is silently thrilled when he sees the smile turn predatory. “I think this decision calls for a celebration, don’t you?”

Seth drops Captain Oats into the bedside drawer when he gets home so he doesn’t have to witness the debauchery. They’re both completely naked and Ian has his head between Seth’s legs when Ryan walks in without knocking.

“Jesus! I’m sorry – “ Ryan mumbles before turning bright red, lingering just a second too long then disappearing.

For a horrible moment everything goes still and Seth has to grit his teeth and screw his eyes up really tight to make sure he doesn’t come, because he knows how bad that would look.

When he has full use of his limbs again, Seth scoots away from Ian, up to the headboard of the bed and grabs at a pillow to cover his groin. He has no real idea why, he just feels rather exposed. Ian stares at him blankly.

“Are you……okay?”

Seth waits a little moment to speak. He’s not okay but he doesn’t want his voice to betray him. What he does want is to be able to get up off the bed, pull on his jeans and follow Ryan.

“Ah, yeah, fine, I should just……” he motions towards the door.

“Yeah, of course,” Ian nods, wiping his mouth. “Go talk to him.”

Seth has the decency to leave a kiss on Ian’s lips before pulling on his jeans and leaving the bedroom. Of course he has no idea where Ryan will be and he’s on his way towards the stairs when he passes the guest bedroom and catches a flicker of colour from the corner of his eye.

Going to the door, Seth finds Ryan sitting on the end of the bed, head in his hands. Unlike some, he has the common sense to knock before he enters, and Ryan looks up.

He’s still flushed bright red and his hair is a little messy. His eyes are bright and he still looks a little startled but Seth can’t help think it looks good on him. Seth also can’t help but notice the obvious bulge in Ryan’s pants.

“Hey.”

He knows it’s not a good opener but he’s naked bar for an old pair of jeans (under which he has nothing) and his mind is blank at the thought that seeing him getting head from his boyfriend made Ryan hard. He’d forgotten how satisfying it felt to see Ryan so clearly aroused because of him.

“I’m sorry if – “

“No, I’m sorry,” Ryan coughs. He is trying to compose himself and doing a very bad job of it. The erection that had died when Seth hid himself from Ian begins to grow again in his jeans. “I should knock. I should really knock.”

“You weren’t to know we’d be……”

“Fucking?” Ryan finishes. When Seth looks up, Ryan’s lips are red and they look so kissable. His dick urges him to do the stupid thing.

“Yeah, I – God, I’m so sorry.”

There doesn’t seem to be anything else to say and Seth wonders if he should just leave when Ryan pushes himself up off the bed and stands on what appear to be shaky legs. 

“I’d better go.”

Ryan wipes his fingers along his bottom lip and Seth can feel him staring. Though he’s said he’s going to go, Ryan’s not moving. It’s so easy to just meet his eye and when he does, Seth sees – 

Arousal. Very clearly. 

Seth licks his lips, daring Ryan to look away and when he doesn’t, Seth steps forward.

Their kiss only lasts a minute before Ryan is touching his bare chest and Seth feels the contact shoot right down to his groin. He briefly considers coming in his pants, and realises that if this continues, he may not have an option.

Ryan’s tongue is in his mouth again, after all these years. Ryan’s perfectly formed lips are moving against his and – he still knows how. He still knows that when he nips at Seth’s bottom lip, Seth’s knees turn to jelly.

They both still know how to kiss without making a sound – they’re well practised at that one.

Every second Seth is expecting Ryan to pull away. He’s savouring every moment because it might just be the last but when he tilts his head just that bit further to let Ryan’s tongue in deeper, Ryan replies with equal force. Seth wants to breath a sigh of relief but he’s kind of busy right now, his hands are fisting in Ryan’s hair and he wants nothing more than to rub himself up against Ryan like a cat. 

Seth feels a momentary brush of Ryan’s groin against his before his world is slowly slipping apart and Ryan is pulling away.

Now his hair really is a mess, and his lips are twice as red. His eyes are doing that half-lidded thing that happens when he’s really hot and Seth can just tell from memory and instinct that Ryan doesn’t have much control over himself right now.

Still though he manages to take a step back and run a hand through his hair.

“I’m sorry, I can’t – “

Then before Seth can put his arm out to stop him, Ryan has pushed past him out of the door. His feet sound on the landing and down the stairs and Seth just stands stock still.

How is he supposed to do normal after that?

 

 

 

 

It takes him a few seconds but eventually Seth pulls himself together. He runs his hand through his hair several times and pulls his jeans up on his hips then he wanders barefoot back into his bedroom.

Ian is still naked, lounging on the unmade bed reading an old copy of Legion. He sits up when Seth walks in.

“Hey, how did it go?”

Seth catches himself sub-consciously touching his mouth. He stops. 

“Ah, okay. He was just...embarrassed, I think.”

He is most surprised when Ian starts laughing. “Close call if you ask me. It could have been your mom.”

That’s not what Seth wants to hear as Ian gets up off the bed and begins molesting him again. Seth pulls away.

“Can we – ah – I’m not really....”

Ian looks momentarily hurt, then nods. “Sure, of course.”

He tries to look like he’s not doing it quickly but Seth snags his discarded clothes and makes an exit to the bathroom. Shutting the door behind him he breathes, forcing himself to calm. He just kissed Ryan. Ryan. He kissed Ryan and it felt very, very good. 

Seth knows it’s wrong that when he thinks of what just happened, his cock twitches in his pants. It’s awful and bad and a million other negative adjectives. What’s even worse is that he wants it to happen again. 

He eyes the open window and considers climbing out of it. He could go to Brazil where no one knows him. It’s all so irrational and ridiculous but Seth truly feels he’s reached that stage.

Pulling on his t-shirt, Seth shuts the toilet lid and sits down. He has to work this out. Ryan kissed him back, he knows he did, he felt it. He clearly felt Ryan’s fingertips ghosting up over his chest and – 

Not a good line of thought.

But he reciprocated. It wasn’t a one sided thing and Seth sees that as positive. He isn’t sure why but he knows it is. It means that Ryan is possibly downstairs or out in the pool house feeling this exact same way right now.

Of course that makes Seth want to go to him and talk but he knows Ryan and he’s fully aware that right now Ryan will be freaking out. Of course he won’t show it, but inside his head all the little Atwood cogs will be turning at full pace.

This gives Seth an odd clenching feeling in his stomach . He puts the possible cause of such feeling to the back of his mind.

Outside there is the noise of children screaming and splashing about, a pool party down the road. Then downstairs, a door shuts and Seth hears his father’s voice though it’s only early in the day. Everything feels slightly surreal because when he shuts his eyes, Seth gets flashbacks of the feel of Ryan’s mouth on his, the fleeting push of Ryan’s hips that was so familiar. 

It sounds strange but he’d forgotten the way Ryan smells, up close. That coconut shampoo he still uses, the cheaper brand he insists does the same job mixed with traces of coffee, the tell-tale sign of his morning ritual. Seth knows all these things so well and that’s what is making this worse.

He wants it back.

Of course that is a pretty large admission from a guy who has been repressing himself for over three years. It’s enough to make his hands shake slightly and when he looks up, his face is paler than usual. He looks a mess, actually. 

“Seth?”

Ian’s voice at the door has that apologetic tone he takes on whenever Seth flips out on him. Which never used to be often.

“Yeah?”

“You okay? Can I come in?”

When Seth opens the door, Ian is leaning against the door jam, head bowed. He’s fully clothed once again, for which Seth is thankful, and when he looks up he smiles like someone has just died.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Seth lies. “I was just....”

Then Ian laughs softly and glances at Seth’s chest. “Come here,” he says fondly, and Seth is patient and compliant while Ian takes his t-shirt off and puts it back on, the right way round. “Dressing yourself with your eyes closed.” Seth just nods. “Are we going downstairs? Your dad just called us.”

They leave the bathroom and go to find everyone in the kitchen. Walking in, Seth sees his mom at the table with a herbal tea, his dad hovering by the sink and Catherine and Ryan at the end of the breakfast bar. They’re both reading magazines but she manages to look up and shoot Seth a dazzling smile. Ryan doesn’t look up at all.

“Ah! There you are,” Sandy grins. “We’re going out for dinner.”

“Dinner?”

Seth’s mind immediately flicks to suicide, and his eyes to Ryan. He’s still looking down, seemingly engrossed in some Home Redesign magazine.

“Yeah, we thought we’d give ‘Raphael’s’ a try, it hasn’t been open long and it'd be nice for us all to go out,” his mom says, all smiling and happy like Ryan didn’t just kiss Seth in the guest bedroom.

“Great!” Ian says from behind him.

“Hmm, I love Italian food,” Catherine nods. Seth wonders when Ryan will speak and if when he looks up he will avoid Seth’s eyes.

“Right, we’d best get ready then!” Sandy rubs his hands together, obviously hungry. “Come on!” he prompts Seth, and eventually he gets the hint.

Neither he nor Ian speak whilst they get ready. Seth chooses the first shirt he picks out because he’s in a day-dream and only later, on the way out of the house, does he realise it seriously clashes with his pants.

The parents, Ryan and Catherine all ride together in the BMW while Seth drives the Range Rover with Ian. They don’t speak because all Seth can think about is Ryan and his lips and the way he still hasn’t looked at him, and to avoid Ian speaking, Seth turns Matt Nathanson up loud.

Ian immediately turns it back down.

“You know when you do that I realise it means you don’t want me to speak?”

Seth blushes.

“Oh.”

“So come on, tell me what’s wrong. You haven’t spoken since outside the bathroom.”

The silence settles again over them in that uneasy way it has been doing all night and Seth watches the road even more closely. He wonders if he’ll have the luck to knock down a pedestrian. Ian would never pursue this conversation were Seth being arrested and charged with death by dangerous driving.

“Nothing. I’m fine.”

“You turned up Matt Nathanson.”

“I like Matt Nathanson.”

Ian sighs. “Seth.”

“What?”

“Talk to me.”

Mercifully they pull up outside the restaurant and Seth gets to look as though he’s concentrating on parking.

Before they get out, Ian touches his arm and looks concerned. Seth wonders if he’s in one of those ‘made for tv’ films and when that actress from Little House On The Prairie is going to turn up.

“What? I’m okay dude, honestly.”

Inside the restaurant they meet up with the others and wait to be seated. Seth glances at Ryan several times but Ryan keeps his eyes on the floor or on the near-by menus. He’s holding hands with Catherine and Seth can’t help but want to stare at the way their fingers lace together so neatly. He once read that holding hands like that with someone suggests a strong sexual bond. 

Seth hates body language.

It feels like Prom again, Ryan with a girl when they’ve just been kissing each other less than an hour ago. Except back then, they’d been fucking too, in the shower before getting changed and arranging each other’s corsages. Now he allows himself the memory, Seth feels himself grow warm and something flutters in his stomach.

That was a pretty amazing night.

“Seth?”

“Seth?”

He snaps his head up to find both his mother and Ian frowning at him.

“You okay, sweetie?” Kirsten asks. “You look a little flush.”

“Yeah, fine,” Seth bats her hand away and seeks a look at Ryan. He’s still absorbed in the menu.

They are seated at a table near the window, with views looking out across the harbour. Catherine rattles on about how nice it is to have a change from the big city and Seth considers the dimensions of the four prongs of his fork in her eye. Ryan sits across from him but keeps his head down again, occasionally talking to Sandy, who sits on his right. 

If it weren’t so cliché and he didn’t think he’d get it wrong, Seth would kick Ryan under the table and possibly play footsie. Though knowing his luck, he’d get his dad. Or worse, Ian, who keeps smiling tentatively at him every few minutes. All he really wants is Ryan’s attention.

He is given an opportunity just before desert arrives, when Ryan excuses himself to the bathroom. 

“Ah, yeah, me too,” he says clumsily, almost knocking wine into Ian’s lap in an effort to get up fast enough. It doesn’t matter though, because he can corner Ryan in the toilets and make him talk. Or at least force eye contact.

Seth makes it around to the other side of the table when he sees his father getting up too.

This is all wrong. The three of them? In front of the urinals? 

But he can’t turn back now. You don’t just stop needing to pee. You can stop fake pee, but not real pee.

So now not only is Sandy standing between them in front of the urinals (eyes forward, all of them) but there is an uncomfortable silence caused by the fact Seth is making himself pee, and by the fact he wanted to get Ryan in here alone so he could talk to (and possibly kiss) him.

Seth thinks he must have the most complicated life – and most complicated brain – in all existence. It’s a dubious honour.

Back at the table and desert goes slowly. Ryan is eating warm chocolate fudge cake and licking the spoon, which makes Seth drop his own food (cheesecake) on his lap. Ian laughs at his clumsiness and tries to wipe Seth clean with his napkin, which makes Ryan look across the table at them. Finally.

Of course everyone is looking, including his mother, so it’s not exactly intimate, but for a second Seth actually does catch Ryan’s eye. He looks slightly amused at Seth’s inelegance, but his face is guarded too. He’s got his emotional barriers up already and it hasn’t been five minutes.

Seth feels his heart sink.

The journey home is quiet, Ian at the wheel because Seth is too damn miserable. Ian and Kirsten decide he’s ‘over-tired’ and Seth gets antsy at the fact people still talk about him like he’s a three year old who skipped mid-afternoon nap. They get home and Seth thinks the agony of sitting around waiting to catch Ryan’s eye may finally be over when the ever-chirpy Catherine suggests a DVD. 

Seth would rather drop his testicles in sulphuric acid but Ian isn’t tired and he knows bed on his own will only encourage angsty thoughts of Ryan, so they all sit down and watch Maid In Manhattan because it’s Catherine’s favourite movie. She uses the excuse to giggle too loudly at the funny (and Seth uses that term loosely) parts then start weeping when J-Lo is in danger of living without her man. Seth finds it irritating in a way that makes him sweat and from across the living room he watches Ryan lightly pat Catherine’s arm as she dabs tissue paper at her eye. Her hair (a perfect shade of red like leaves in Fall) spills across her face and she laughs at her own pathetic reaction to the film. Seth wonders how he could ever compete, and a disappointed sadness falls over his chest. When Ian frowns kindly, Seth curls into his body and receives a half cuddle. It helps, even though Ian doesn’t know why Seth looks miserable, and would probably kick his ass if he did know.

Just as Seth is beginning to fall asleep in front of the tv (another film has been put on, Kirsten’s choice this time), he lets his eyes flicker open one last time and glances over at Ryan. Who is staring at him, unabashedly.

Of course as soon as he realises Seth has caught him, he looks away, back to the rom com that is playing out in the corner of the room. Seth wonders how long Ryan had been looking and what he had been thinking – suddenly he’s not so relaxed and the edges of sleep slip away. What does Ryan think he’s doing? Playing this stupid game. Seth hates games, and thought Ryan did too.

“I’m going to bed,” he announces, and pulls himself off the sofa. Ian calls after him but Seth doesn’t stop.

The time on the LCD display of his alarm clock reads 2:04am before Seth feels the bed sink beside him. He has been lying there approximately an hour but sleep doesn’t seem to want to touch him. Ian whispers his name and lays a gentle hand on his arm but Seth just keeps his eyes shut and hopes his act is realistic. Either it is or he just gives up, because Ian doesn’t push it and after he has turned over, Seth soon hears his breathing even out. 

The clock flicks around to 3:00am, 4 :00am and eventually 4:30am before Seth carefully pushes back the covers and grabs his pyjama bottoms from the end of the bed. Ian is snoring and doesn’t hear the door click as Seth leaves, feet touching the cool of the stairs and padding softly on the hallway carpet. The kitchen is silent and empty other than the buzz of the fridge.

Outside where the moon is shining on the still surface of the pool, the breeze is chilly and Seth folds his arms, wishing he’d brought his dressing gown. The blinds of the pool house aren’t down, but he refuses to look. 

He’s just out here because he can’t sleep, not because he wants to be near Ryan, and his heart isn’t racing to think he can just turn his head and see him asleep under the sheets they used to share. Seth isn’t standing over the pool, watching his reflection, whilst remembering the time Ryan pulled those very sheets up over their heads and told him the rest of the world no longer existed.

Because it does exist, and it is sleeping in the bed next to Ryan. It’s lying upstairs in Seth’s bed, snoring and occasionally muttering something about shopping in it’s sleep.

Just when Seth turns to go back in the house, he catches sight of something moving from the corner of his eye. He tells himself it may be a burglar in the pool house and that he has to look for the good of his family.

Instead it’s just Ryan, turning over and then turning onto his back. If Seth stares long enough, he can make out what Ryan’s feet are doing beneath the sheets at the end of the bed, crossing and un-crossing.

It takes Seth a little while to realise Ryan’s eyes are open. He’s staring at the ceiling.

Of course now Seth has to do something. He doesn’t quite know what, but inside he knows it would be foolish to just go back in the house. Besides, he’s hardly J-Lo and this isn’t Manhattan but it is a love story – a fucked up one, but still about love.

He goes towards the pool house without thinking and though the noise of the door clicking open sounds loud to his ears, his brain still hasn’t quite caught up with what he’s doing. It’s a huge invasion of privacy, but that’s never scared Seth before. He used to be like Ryan’s shadow, after all.

As soon as the door opens, Ryan sits up and Seth sees him squinting through the dark. He also sees the second that comprehension dawns on Ryan’s face and panic flashes through his features. It makes Seth re-consider what he’s doing and he stops in the doorway.

What the hell is he doing here? This isn’t some bad film, it’s his life and in real life things are never poetic. People don’t wander into pool houses to sort out unfinished business, they bury their heads in the sand and repress their emotions. That’s why there are so many wealthy psychiatrists. 

For a second Ryan just looks at him, then he carefully checks Catherine isn’t awake and gets up out of bed. He is only wearing boxer shorts and Seth snags a really good look before Ryan grabs his sweats and a white t-shirt. They go outside together once Ryan is done dressing, and he shuts the door quietly behind him whilst Seth watches. It’s uncomfortable because Ryan has been avoiding communication all night and now they’re out here like they planned a meeting.

“Can we go inside?” Ryan asks after a moment of standing by the pool. He keeps looking back to where Catherine is lying asleep, and Seth just nods. He understands that Ryan doesn’t want her to hear this, he’s also 99% sure Catherine knows nothing about the fact they were once more than just pseudo-brothers.

Inside the kitchen there seems nothing to say, and Ryan lingers at the sink whilst Seth leans against the fridge. While Ryan keeps looking at the floor nervously and scratching the back of his neck, Seth spends time remembering how they used to be able to say anything to each other, and how long ago that was. He thinks that not even Ryan understands that when they decided to stop sleeping together, Seth didn’t just lose a boyfriend, he lost a best friend too. He hasn’t even quite gotten over that, and no one has taken Ryan’s place. 

“Are we going to talk about this?” Seth finally asks. His voice though quiet, seems to linger long after he shuts his mouth. 

“About what?”

He’s stalling for time of course, and Seth doesn’t blame him but he’s still pretty pissed at Ryan playing the avoidance card.

“What do you think, dude? Maybe the kissing and the frantic groping that took place earlier?” 

Ryan looks around nervously before glancing at Seth. Everyone is tucked up in bed and Seth is making sure his voice is at a whisper but Ryan is still jumpy. His eyes look frightened and when he speaks, his teeth are gritted.

“Not here, okay?”

“Well where then?” 

“I don’t know, just – “

“You’re ignoring me. Are you going to act like it didn’t happen?”

“It didn’t happen, it was a mistake that – “

“Oh, thank you, so now I’m a mistake. Was that year before college a mistake too? Are we forgetting that as well?”

“Seth – “

Ryan sighs and runs his hand through his hair in exasperation but Seth merely uses the drop in defences to get closer. His anger and frustration have kicked in now and he’s crossing from the fridge to stand right in front of Ryan, who looks momentarily worried about the personal space issue.

“You can’t just do that. You can’t.”

It’s strange to see Ryan actually unsettled in this way. Seth never unsettles anyone, even though he admits he must look slightly intimidating right now, hands on hips and set jaw.

He’s not sure if he wants to punch Ryan or fuck him. 

“Seth...”

“What? Come on, explain yourself.”

“I – “

He presses himself back against the sink in an effort to get a little breathing room. 

“Please, can we just – “

“No. Talk to me, Ryan.”

“I don’t know what to say, okay?”

And now he’s angry too, because his voice is doing that threatening thing reserved for bullies that are hanging Seth upside down over the sand and his voice has dropped to barely audible.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means I have no idea what happened earlier. I walked in and saw you, and...”

“What?” Seth prompts, because he can feel the possibility of Ryan’s words hanging in the air and suddenly all that matters are the next few words out of Ryan’s mouth.

“And I was...jealous. Okay? I was jealous.” 

Seth tries to stop the little voice in the back of his head singing ‘Hallelujah!’. For a moment Ryan just stares at the floor and Seth wishes he’d look up because this would be a really great time for a kiss. 

“I was jealous of him, being with you,” Ryan continues, still looking at the floor. Suddenly, Seth loves confessionals. 

“And then?”

“And then when you came to look for me I just wanted...” Ryan looks up finally. He looks confused and tired and slightly broken. Seth knows how he feels. He opens his mouth to tell Ryan that but then Ryan is leaning forward and crushing their mouths together again. His hand holds firmly onto the back of Seth’s neck and Seth gets lost in the sensations. A million and one clichés about coming home flood through his head as he physically drags Ryan’s body towards him. He needs to feel warmth against him and for this not to stop this time. 

Seth groans into Ryan’s mouth when Ryan pushes him back against the breakfast bar and grinds their hips together. The bolts of pleasure stop him thinking clearly and the tongue fucking his mouth doesn’t help. He feels weak, the same way he did at fifteen when he watched his first porn video, like he wants everything all at once and the filter in his brain has burst with the overload of desires.

Ryan hasn’t attacked him like this in years, he rarely used to do it when they were dating, it was always Seth losing control and dragging Ryan along for the ride but when Ryan gets like this Seth just gives in. He can have whatever he wants even if his parents, Ian and Catherine all have to catch them fucking on the kitchen floor. 

They break for air and Ryan uses the excuse to run his hands over Seth’s shoulders and chest as though he’s re-familiarising himself with his skin. Seth wants to smile, feels elated at the turn of events yet also knows that this truce is fragile. Ryan is still fragile, no matter how tough he looks. 

“You okay?” Seth whispers, and hears Ryan breathing hard and fast. He can almost feel his heart hammering in his chest, they’re so close. Ryan just nods. His fingers are running over the bare skin underneath Seth’s t-shirt. 

Ryan this unguarded is some kind of phenomenon. 

“I can’t do this anymore.”

Seth tenses immediately at the words, begins to feel his newly constructed joy crashing down when Ryan speaks again. “I’m tired of acting like your brother.”

Nodding is all he can do, he’s still trying not to pass out.

“I want you.”

“I want you too,” Seth says in a rush, and kisses Ryan clumsily until Ryan stops him by pulling away. He kisses back with less knocking of teeth and slobbering.

“We have to tell them.”

‘Them’ could mean either the parents or the partners but Seth doesn’t care, he just voices his agreement anyway. Everyone has to find out some time.

“I’ll tell Catherine in the morning.”

“Okay, I will too. Ian, I mean, I’ll tell Ian.”

Ryan nods. “And then?”

“And then we’ll tell mom and dad together.”

Seth wonders how surprised they will be. He suspects his dad knew the last time, he walked in on the two of them looking rumpled and suspicious one too many times. He also thinks his mom knew, because when he announced the gay thing, she didn’t seem surprised in the least and he knows he isn’t _that_ minty.

Eventually, after another long kiss which makes Seth wish he could really go through with the ‘sex in the kitchen’ thing, they both go to bed. It feels strange, climbing the stairs and hearing his mom snoring from his parents room and catching a glimpse of the dawning light outside from the bathroom window then making his way in to where Ian is asleep in his bed.

He’s going to have to tell him and he knows Ian may kick his ass. If he wasn’t completely 100% sure about this, he wouldn’t risk hurting someone he genuinely does care about.

But he can’t get back into bed with him, not now, so Seth pulls his computer chair over to the window where he has a good view of the pool house and sits down. He won’t get much sleep and if he does doze off his back will kill him in the morning but waking up next to Ian wouldn’t seem right. Not now.

The birds are beginning to sing outside as he lets his eyes drift closed. Being back home still feels strange, the sun rises almost an hour earlier in California, but maybe now things can start getting back to normal. It might still feel weird but he doesn’t want to run away anymore, there’s nothing left to run from.


End file.
